ALIAS - All The Time In The World

Sark: does it have to be so filthy? if Rambaldi can prophesie the future, he might have advised me not to wear $500 shoes...


Yep. It doesn't get any better in the second half, folks.

Alright, so its flashback episode...great. A mix of emotions hits me as I'm immediately: relieved that Merrin Dungey's probably playing real not fake Francie, annoyed that their using valuable time for flashback, and pissed off that that freakin' cute kid that played little Sydney in S2 and S3 is not here, instead its some other little kid. Not that this one isn't cute, but come on, that girl WAS little Sydney! And when the teacher says "you can't get started?" I also think of Ella Fitzgerald, because that song is depressing as hell, as is this episode, for multiple reasons.

So amidst the flashbacking, Vaughn is trying to revive Sydney, counting aloud as he does chestbeats, because apparently not only is this the series finale of Alias, but a CPR refresher course as well. 1...2...3...got it? Seriously dude, can you not count in your head? You sound ridiculous. Looking not so ridiculous is Sark, in a black turtleneck and brown leather. In fact, he looks down right edible. For some reason in this scene I'm flashing back to the moment they talked in Tokyo and Sloane was pissed to be having to work with him and Lauren. I guess the word bygones comes in pretty handy when the end of the world is here. I'd want to be on the winning side too. (Wait, I think he says that later.)

So we have, what I think is a pretty pointless flashback to when Irina "died". I guess the point of these flashbacks is to give us some inside into how Sydney became a spy, you know all the psycho-analytical crap. You might also view it as a completely usless and repetitve recap of the emotional side of the last 4 years. I'm going with the latter. Hold on, there's a flashback of little Sydney putting together the crazy Project Christmas puzzle. Didn't we see that in the Indicator in season two? I'm just sayin...

So Sark and Sloane go to yet another Rambaldi cave. Who knew this was "the one"? And...here comes Nadia. "You're talking to your dead daughter. This is an odd time to question your sanity." And I'm with her, the dude has LOST IT. So people are dying outside just like every other Alias scene. Whoo...fucking...hoo. And here comes Nadia again with her enlightening comment in response to the 7th red ball. 8th? 7th? Oh who cares. "So that's it? All this time this is what you've wanted?" And again, I'm with her. Let's travel back to a little scene in season four between Sloane and some weirdo who worked for the Sloane Clone:

Sloane: Do you understand what you’re dealing with here, and for what?
Carter: He told me- he told me that I can live forever.
Sloane: No! Is that what you think this is all about?! Immortality?! You bought the rumor, you simple-minded dilettante!

I'm sorry, was I the only one who heard that? WHAT A FREAKING COP OUT. All that. Five seasons of build up from a tiny red ball...to this. I can't even talk about it. It's just...I can't do it.

So we'll skip to the next horrific end. Irina Derevko: All consuming evil bitch. Again, everything that has ever been established in five years, down the drain. After everything she went through to save Sydney countless times, she's going to kill her. Awesome. Again, I just...can't.

The only good thing to come out of this is Sloane being trapped in his own personal hell for eternity. I mean, it totally doesn't make the immortality crap worth it, but its close I guess. Wait, no its not. Jack dies. Someone tell me when pointless bloodbaths became a regular part of series finales. Tom, who cares. Jack? JACK?? Screw this crap.

The one good part? It seems that Sark's character remains in tact, he's set up to be sympathic for maybe a...spin off?? Other than that, pure shit.

Thanks for nothing Alias. Seriously.